MANTRA: I AM NOT ALONE IN MY GRIEF. I AM SURROUNDED BY OTHER PEOPLE THAT WILL LOVE AND SUPPORT ME IF I LET THEM IN.
When grief hits, it’s like a ton of bricks. It’s an ache in my soul. It’s an earthquake of sorrow built up in the system that feels like it needs to be released right then and there. There is no warning. It just comes in like a huge wave.
And then wave after wave it comes back.
Grief feels indescribable, but I’m going to do my best.
It feels like one minute you’re walking along in everyday society and the next you’re a puddle on the floor. Your body can’t seem to hold you up. Your mind can’t seem to find meaning in the small stuff. You’re numb to mundane life tasks and overstimulated by sadness and panic.
If grief were visual, picture a blank canvas in the shape of a person. And when it strikes, it’s immediately filled up like a cup with water from the floor to the top. By a fire hose. In a moments notice.
When I think of grief, I think of a few key instances in life. One of which took over my life for a long time and I didn’t feel like I could share it.
I was halfway through college when I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe it. I immediately was panicked and overwhelmed, living alone in an apartment that was falling apart and just trying to handle midterms.
My thoughts went a mile a minute. This can’t be possible. How can this be? I had done everything right. And yet, here I was. Alone in a bathroom in the most surreal moment of my life.
I was in a relationship for only three months at that point. Every fear came to mind. I spent weeks researching, going back and forth, my heart and my mind telling me two different things.
I never felt so alone in my life. Only three people knew for years – two of which lived in a different state.
I sobbed for months, weeks, years.
I spent so much time feeling physical, mental and spiritual pain. I felt like I was going against myself. I felt like I had no choice even though I kept hearing it was all up to me.
I won’t go through every moment of that time period, partially because I can’t remember it all even if I tried and also because I finally feel like I’ve hit a point in my healing where I don’t need to over explain some of the most traumatic months of my life.
Why am I sharing this? The truth is, I never thought I would. I wanted to be seen in the best light possible, but that doesn’t feel authentic anymore. It feels like hiding.
I’m sharing this story to let you know that you’re not alone. Sometimes life feels excruciating and intolerable, especially in moments of grief. If I would have known someone else who went through what I did, it would have significantly improved my quality of life at that time.
Sometimes I find myself thinking I’ve healed, other times I find myself deep in the trenches of grief as if it were happening still and seven years haven’t gone by.
Whether your experience of grief is similar or completely different, please know that I see you and you have nothing to hide or feel ashamed of.
We all go through heavy moments in life. The more I share experiences that I feel like I shouldn’t, the freer I end up feeling.
You aren’t alone in your grief.
Who can help lighten your load today? <3